Caveat: some names have been changed to protect the guilty, such as Nozzle and Sprae, but they are close enough to get the picture.
Hey! Typing here is just awesome. I’m totally into it, you know.
This is Rosemary or as most of you know me, Tink. I managed to get to the keyboard while Doc and Lew P are having a Murphy’s at Bar A. They want to watch the Jets versus the Saints with loud company. Probably so when they use totally nasty language they will blend in.
Drew Breese is a cute and good, and the Jets are in trouble, but that’s not my problem until a Mad Mutt comes home to commiserate. Maybe that would not be so bad, as long as he comes home alone. We don’t need Lew P documenting.
Personally I’d rather watch Mark Sanchez’s little tush waddle to the line at home in Mutt’s flannel lumber jack shirt and sweat pants. But what I’m looking for in a football game on television is different than what the guys watch.
Hey, Mark warm them hands before you put them down there. No wonder they’re jumping before the snap. Go Jets.
What I did to get the computer for myself, was program a little crash into the fifth boot up after Wednesday. That happened Saturday night while Mutt tried to access WebMD.
The boys, who have no idea how to fix the computer, left that in my hands. Simple emergency boot, and a correction to directory and the hard drive, and the Tinkinator is at the wheel, so come along for the totally awesome ride.
I have a story about last Sunday. I knew I was in for a long day because our friends Kim and Ralph Nozzle had invited us their son’s wedding. We had been to their house for Thanksgiving once, and they always invite their childhood friends, the Phatfanny family, Dim-ass, Pill & their son 20 Watts.
The Phatfannys are not easy people to get along with, and I always check to make sure Mutt isn’t packing the Colt when the Nozzles invite us over. I’m not sure if that’s because he’ll use it. Or, I might be tempted. I’m peaceful, but the Phatfannys are … annoying. That is the PC answer.
Phuck-phaces? I didn’t say that. You read it wrong. It’s not a typo.
No matter the occasion, the Nozzles put us at the same table as the Phatfannys who are gratuitously insulting perpetually. Maybe we are the only ones who haven’t complained about them yet, so we are sacrificed.
Before we left the house, Mutt was put off. The Sunday Star Ledger missed a delivery. He initially accused me of not paying the bill, but it’s on the credit card and automatic so … sometimes, when he’s worked up he has a hair trigger temper, and between the Star Ledger and the Phatfannys, well you get the picture. Like the time he walked into the woods alone with the FBI agent following him, totally irrational, that’s what is loveable about the Spring Lake Heights Crusader, delusional passion. Back to the story.
We called the customer service people and as usual they were pleasant. They offered a replacement copy. The delivery would come between 10 AM and approximately never. Since this has happened about once every three months, we know never is a more likely time than 10 AM.
That was the case Sunday, but they delivered a Sunday paper, Monday with the Monday paper. I guess the delivery guy held it hostage. The ransom for the Sunday Ledger, 125 cents, and the way the paper is shrinking not worth it.
The really interesting part is that the same guy delivers the New York Times as the Star Ledger. Invariably, we get one and not the other, but it is never both that are MIA. The talent involved in not delivering half a standing order is mindboggling. No comics to read this weekend, boo. Doc was not happy.
We had to start dressing around 3:30 because of the drive to Roxbury where the wedding would be held.
Of course, the Ledger was nowhere to be seen before we left. Mutt went into Sunday sports section withdrawal, and that is an awesome spectacle of puffing, followed by the holding of the breath, leading into punching walls or doors, and the finale, throwing himself on the bed naked after the shower, kicking his feet and making everything jiggle from head to toes.
I’d call it childish, but I don’t want to insult children everywhere. They are not that immature.
Having Doc naked on the bed is not a problem for me, I’ve always enjoyed making the four-poster squeak, but because of the time element, there was not any time to take real advantage of the situation, or him.
Foreplay? No time for two-play. Even mind play was out, a flash fantasy maybe, but like a haiku fantasy, at the most contained in twenty words.
Mutt was in a snit about wearing a monkey suits and a cummberous-bund, but he looks so handsome and adorable in that black and white attire that it is worth putting up with the grousing. Since he dropped 25 pounds, we’ve shortened the cummerbund four inches. Sometimes women give him the eye, a new experience for both of us.
I need only shoot him pixie love dust with a glance, add a compliment. Bingo, the snit resolves, with a “Do I really look like Sean Connery in Dr. No?”
Men can be so foolish.
They held the wedding in Roxbury New Jersey, which is more than an hour’s drive from the Jersey shore when there is no traffic. This was Sunday night, like a total disaster, and to make matters worse, a tractor-trailer decided to imitate a half-opened jack-knife lying on its side.
Frozen Perdue roasters scattered over the Turnpike looking like a mass exodus from a Portuguese Churrascaria prior to roasting. The clean up would have been faster, if each passing car was allowed to take a roaster home. For sitting 2 hours, stopped dead, on the pike, that’s the least they could do.
Mutt tried to make a u-turn but a state trooper wouldn’t let him pull-it off. That’s the best I can do for a poultry joke, excuse me, a paltry joke.
We would not have taken a chicken, because they were not formally dressed. I could have used one as a bustle maybe. You know that thing ladies wore in the 1880’s to give them a bubble butt. The more things change the more they stay the same. Yo Yo, booty call in the Victorian hood, you all. Just giving the antiques their props.
By the time we arrived at the wedding, the post ceremony reception had started. Mutt looked at the bright side saying, “At least our car was at the front of the valet section, because they filled from back to front. Easy exit. Less time with the Phatfannys.” Then he announced, “Phatfanny red alert.” He imitated a siren, as he left the Honda, and put on his tux jacket.
He wanted to leave. He is so totally blatant, the tact of a four year-old. Wait Jay would know not to say that, so there goes that theory.
When we sat at the table, with Pill Phatfanny next to me, I understood the emotion. Instead of hello, she said, “That old Honda have trouble making it all the way here from the shore? Our Benz has a GPS that’s works in real time. You understand real time as in computer speak? Thought not.”
This from a lady whose main accomplishment in life is avoiding a homosexual scandal in her boys scout troop by only letting the Moms be the troop leaders. She brought new meaning to the phrase, “Dem Mothers.”
Mutt, to his credit, smiled and replied, “Actually the Honda tried to chicken out on the Turnpike, because it perdued its nerve. Perdue as in French. You speak the language of the sophisticate, right?”
She looked to her husband Dim-ass and said, “I don’t get it.”
To which Mutt replied, “That’s obvious. When you look like the Crypt Keeper post-exsanguination, you’ll probably never get it. Unless there is a vacant trash bag available, and simultaneously, someone is truly desperate.”
I kicked him. He stopped and the Phatfannys turned to the couple on the other side of them and asked. “So, your daughter married a girl? Is that legal? How’s that working out? Our first grandchild is due in two months.”
The couple didn’t respond, and left the table to dance on the far side of the floor.
Mutt asked, “And who’s the father of your grandchild. Did they round up suspects yet?”
But they didn’t hear him. And I had to kick him under the table again.
“It was worth the pain.” He replied.
We left to introduce ourselves to the parents of the bride and groom, who were sitting nearby. Kim Nozzle brought us over to Patrick and Beverly Sprae.
A little while later the music stopped, and the bride and groom made their entrance. The couple in a gesture to modernity decided to hyphenate their names. They were introduced as Dr. and Mrs. Sprae-Nozzle.
It could have been Nozzle-Sprae.
He is a GU doctor. Maybe the married name is advertising.
“Have it adjusted by Dr. Sprae-Nozzle, and shoot only blanks without hazzle.”
The Phatfannys had a field day with the name but not within the hearing of their host and hostess. Dim-ass made several significantly off-color jokes involving the bride handling the new name, and what gauge nozzle, all of which combined a lack of class, taste, and sensitivity. He is the master at that.
After five tries without a single laugh from his audience, the Crypt Keeper pulled him to the dance floor.
On his return, he mentioned that the newlyweds were still looking for a house and would be living with her parents in Nutley for about 6 months. He railed about living with your relatives and not being a couple on your own.
“Where’s the maturity? How is that earning your way in life?”
He bragged how his son, 20 Watts – yes he’s not bright, less so than Dim-ass – lived on his own in New York with his fiancé. They have a luxury cooperative apartment on the West Side in the 80’s. It’s rent controlled and in the family since the pilgrims touched Plymouth Rock.
They boasted how their son is in an allied field to the bridegroom, and can afford his rich digs.
However, if memory serves the Tinkinator right, his son inherited his apartment from a dead uncle who had no children and made his money manipulating stocks in the 70’s. He left that money to Pill and Dim-ass, but he left the apartment with a trust fund to pay rent to 20 Watts.
Dim-ass is less forth coming with his son’s occupation. They talk about how he got into Cornell, but elected not to matriculate. Instead, he followed the pipeline into other career opportunities.
I am not sure how being a plumber is an allied field to being a GU physician. Both are honest lines of work, but apparently, plumber does not meet the threshold for Dim-ass or Pill to mention, at least not specifically.
Honesty has never been allowed to get in the way of the Phatfanny stories. They boasted that 20 Watts’ fiancé is studying animals and is interested in becoming a veterinarian.
I’m interested in flying without a plane, but I am incapable of that feat at this time. She’d have a better chance of becoming a vegetarian. But the vegetables might out smart her.
During the salad portion of the meal, he asked Doc if his life story had been published yet. Doc replied it’s being proofed and needed some editing before it was published. Lew P will start pitching it in November.
Pill volunteered, “I thought as much, because I haven’t seen it mentioned on the New York Times best-seller list.” When she crinkles her nose, her skin looks like used tissue paper, and her sneer is straight from Cruella De Vil. “Not even in the paperback section.”
She didn’t ask for an ARC copy. I don’t think she can read anything other than tea leafs and graphic novels anyway. (That’s graphic not gothic. In gothics the plot would be to hard for her to follow.)
Dim-ass bragged about being written about as an artist – he makes fancy sausage and other stuffed meats – and that led to his editors demanding that he write articles about the experience.
“I’m published in several magazines. Right now, as of this very moment, multiple editors are sending me subjects to free lance via e-mail.”
“What do you write about?” Mutt asked between bites of salad.
“My area of expertise. The modern use of principles from the industrial revolution in making salami and bologna.”
Doc muttered, “I knew he was a bologna expert.”
I grabbed Doc to dance, which is a major victory, because in that monkey suit he feels like a gigolo. He thinks that dancing draws attention to that sleazy image. He won’t tango and the only Paris he knows is followed by the name of a former hotel chain, but he had been filled to the hilt on Phatfanny stories.
To me he is Fred Upstairs, and we won’t talk about who he is down stairs. I remain a lady.
When we got back to the table, the main course had been served. Dim-ass announced over his Roast Beef, “I haven’t got me a good piece of meat in ages.” Then he looked at Pill. She blushed. I guess embarrassing anyone works for him.
Pill then launched into a story about Pam. Several years ago 20 Watts saw her at a shore bar and thought she was trolling – the episode includes his failed attempt to pick her up. Apparently, Pam was dressed fashionably for the bar scene.
This story, which has been retold every time we meet is not only growing old, but isn’t even original – the lesser light told it first, and poorly. The story should have died a natural death, but like a zombie is perpetuated at the most opportune time to embarrass my Doc.
I had had enough. So had several people at the table. “Every time I hear that story I wonder, what was a happily engaged man like 20 Watts doing in a pick up bar at the shore, while his fiancé worked the weekend as an assistant pet groomer at Dog R Us. He travels from New York for what, variety? By the way, how do they tell her apart from the dog she’s grooming.”
Mutt spit up his white wine when I said that, and then said, “A toast to the meek inheriting the earth, while the boastful and bragging live with what little they have and boast of it. May we always know the difference between true friends and the entitled without a real time GPS – Good People Scanner.”
Everyone at the table raised a glass, although the Phatfannys were slow to do so.
Our host and hostess still don’t get it. The Phatfannys are unhappy people who must tear others down to make themselves appear large.
Their pear-shaped bodies, a species’ trait, should allow for an enlarged brainpan within their fat fannies for the functioning section of their brain. That area appears spacious, vacuous, and cavernous.
They must be like the first IBM computers that took up a room and functioned no better than a handheld phone does today. The Phatfannys are the human equivalent of Univac I, and in today’s world, they are competing with smaller, smarter, and faster versions. Their statements come from the pure bitterness of being obsolete, and non-competitive.
Doc’s home from Bar A. He says, “Next time, he will blog on Lance and the creature from the wild rose bramble. The damn Leary cat still lives.”
Apparently it was a long game and they had quite a few Murphy’s. He went straight to the bathroom. It’s been five minutes and I haven’t heard a flush yet.
“Hey big guy don’t fall in.” LOL.
“Hey big guy don’t fall in.” LOL.
I’m not Mad and I am certainly no Mutt. The loo is a British bathroom and so pee belongs there, not on the computer. I am the Tinkinator, and I’ll be back.
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